Ponzi Motor Company
The Ponzi Motor Company is perhaps one of the most peculiar automakers in the United States of Ponzi. They are characteristically uncreative, unoriginal, and standoffish, and have been completely unable to compete with Asian and European automakers for at least the last 20 years, preferring instead to pay their executives outrageous bonuses and perk packages. PMC has sucessfully fought the Government on such issues as seat belts, emission controls, engine efficiency, reduction in vehicle sizes, and implementation of electric and hydrogen-fuelled motors. They're also the main purchasers of new inventions and innovations in the auto industry, for the express purpose of burying them so deep that they never see the light of day. All of these decisions have seriously diluted their asset base, reduced their competitiveness, and made them basically obsolete. Antiquated factories and equipment are a direct result of their unique style of corporate guidance. Corporate Policy As part of its daily operating procedures, the Ponzi Motor Company behaves very much like other large American monopolies. Namely, it tries to purchase its competitors at ten cents on the dollar, actively supresses trade unions, and generally swallows innovation, returning mediocrity in its stead - it's the American Way!. PMC's landmark policy of new technology supression surpasses even that of NASA; the corporation is responsible for the suppression of hydrogen fuel cels, effectively indestructable soy-based plastics, and electric motors (currently being released in an adulterated form as the "Ponziac Shock"). This PMC policy is directly influenced by the Saudi states, who pay the auto giant to keep fuel-efficency low so that the price of oil stays high. The kickbacks for the 2008 fiscal year alone were enough for the CEO to purchase Jonestown. PMC also battles the US Government on a daily basis by refusing to implement basic safety equipment in their cars. The corporation was so successful in this that now industry-standard innovations like antilock brakes and driver-side airbags are still not installed in many Ponziacs, and until the late 1980s many models were produced without seatbelts, and with motors that ran on full-lead gasoline. Cutting corners at every opportunity, PMC produces cars that have been the subject of more consumer recalls than those of all other large auto companies combined. Cutting costs this way has allowed PMC executives to become majority owners of a number of small islands in the South Pacific and Caribbean, while the current CEO is the shadow dictator of Venezuela. Against their own workers, PMC is no slouch either. It has prohibited unionization, to the point that most plants are now filled with illegal Mexican scab workers. The UAW has refused to even set foot in corporate offices, as the last time that happened, CEO William J. Ponzi set a pack of rabid dogs on the representatives. This is, of course, long standing PMC policy; founder Charles Ponzi himself used to feed union reps to his pet bear. Any worker caught trying to organize a union is covered in bunched up tissue paper, hung upside down from his toes and beaten with sticks by his coworkers, who shout "Piñata! Piñata!" Candy only rarely comes out. PMC has also steadfastly refused to upgrade their plants, which has directly contributed to the company being named "Most Unsafe Workplace in America" for the past 15 years running. This, combined with a complete lack of any kind of health or dental plan, makes the company one of the worst places in the USA to work, behind only Microsoft and Bear Sterns. Recently, PMC has embarked on a program of employee-microchipping, for no discernable reason other than to locate its workers more easily when they are deported. Workers at PMC are typically paid about $1 per hour, along with all the beans they can eat. Supervisor lynchings are at an all-time low since the beans and piñatas programs were implemented. PMAC PMAC, or the Ponzi Motors Acceptance Company, is the financing arm of the motor giant. When Ponzi Motors applied for HOTDARP bailout status, PMAC became a bank in order for the company to access the funding. They received some $6 billion in January of 2009, and in May an additional $7.5 billion was injected into the ailing financier. In October, they expect around $13 billion to get them through to Christmas. Because PMAC is both a bank and an insurance company, it cannot be allowed to fail - it would be the end of the economy! PMAC is more than willing to accept your TARP and HOTDARP dollars - after all, we are an Acceptance Company! Send your money now! If every ordinary American household would just give us $10,000 right now, they too could be part of the American Dream! Even if the American Family doesn't survive, PMAC will, proving the superiority of the American Corporation, God Bless America! If you each sent us $10,000 right now, then we wouldn't have to send the (o)'Bama Boys to your doorstep with their hefty tax bats.... this year..... Act now! With each and every donation of $10,000 to PMAC, you'll receive a PonziPro Pocket Fisherman! TARP and HOTDARP Bailout Status PMC have been running an extensive Ponzi on their workers and investors, since they redirected the money that was meant and promised for factory improvements and worker salaries, and invested in subprime mortgages, which would bring them more profit than actually building vehicles. However, the Mortgage Ponzi, Debt-Swap Ponzi, and Hedge-Fund Ponzi that they invested in proved to be nothing more than hot air (not bubbles), and had been running at a deficit for at least four years. As they were living on credit, PMC quickly found that they had run out of things to leverage, and were no longer able to keep their Corporate Execs in the style to which they had become accustomed. In late 2008, PMC found itself completely morally and fiscally bankrupt. This put them in the position of having to ask for tens of billions of dollars in tax refunds for their previous 30 years of operation. However, given the company's spotty financial records, there is no evidence that they even paid those taxes in the first place. PMC had Self-Ponzied themeselves for so many decades that they no longer had any real value - their stock dropped more than 80% during the recent Credit Crunch, leaving them with only one recourse: blackmail the Government! The threat was that if the Government didn't pay them billions of dollars in interest-free loans, the Government would become responsible for PMC's tens of billions of dollars in pensions, debt, and Ponzisory Notes. There is also the slight problem of the Enron Accounting Practices PMC has employed for the last few decades - basically they can name their debt. And boy, did they! To date, the Ponzi Motor Company has received somewhere in the vicinity of $50 billion US through various government "bailout" plans as a result of this patriotic financial activity. Only the CEO and perhaps the President know the exact figure, and they're not telling, however when the HOTDARP aid kicked in, PMC became a gold-level member of the Debt-Miles Reward Program® - a jump of three full levels from their ordinary Associate Membership. Consequences of Corporate Governance Under Gang Association laws, PMC are legally liable to be summoned to face Criminal Justice for multiple conspiracies to defraud and blackmail the American People. However, as they are too addictied to the life of royalty, PMC executives are blissfully ignorant to this reality. Equally, in the United States of Ponzi it is entirely reasonable and possible that PMC will not be held accountable for their criminal business practises, and allowed to keep their patriotically-gotten gains. It is useful to note that while no Ponzi Motor Company CEO has gone to jail recently, the company's illustrious founder, Charles Ponzi, spent a number of his best years behind bars. This part of the Ponzi cycle is not being implemented in these most Ponzilicious of times. All this proves is that the United States of Ponzi is not playing the game properly - the rules specify that periodically all practitioners of Ponzi must have at least part (if not all) of their assets seized, the Cheif Executive Obfuscators must stand in front of a judge, and finally spend time in prison. The heretic Madoff is actually fulfilling the Ponzi cycle by spending time in jail. It remains to be seen whether the makers of the Ponziac will follow suit. That's All, Folks! In the second quarter of 2009, PMC entered Chapter 11 bankruptcy proceedings, along with other American carmakers. In what has been hailed as an innovative cost-cutting measure, the company shut 100% of their dealerships and repair shops, leaving loyal Ponziac owners stranded without repair facilities for their vehicles. The slogan of the bankruptcy has become the company's bottom line. Flagship Vehicle PMC's reputation rests shakily on the Ponziac, a hugely unpopular car that they have produced for nearly 120 years. The Ponziac's extreme unreliability has prompted owners to assert that PMC in fact stands for "Pretty Mediocre Cars." Ponizac models through the years include: * The 2009 Ponziac Shock, a prototype electrical vehicle * The Ponziac Pusher LS * The Ponziac Breakdown Heavy Halfton * The Ponziac Exploiter (commonly called the "Exploder," this model was discontinued in 1988) The Bottom Line Now that you've bought 'em, we hope you can fix 'em. We sure can't. Enjoy your models of 19th Century Technology!